Frequently Asked Questions
Why did you start a streak of intimacy?
C- We started before we knew we were starting something. By the time we officially started this streak we were already on the tail end of a shorter streak. We had about 30 something days to our name when I read a Yahoo article about a couple who had had sex every day for a year. I told Nathaniel about this couple and we both just quietly sat on the idea for a week or so. Until, his birthday rolled around and I brought the subject up again. We both decided to jump on it, or each other, and go for a whole year. Happy birthday Baby!
N- I had previously enjoyed the small streaks we’d been on. There had been times in the past several years where we were so enamored with each other that we’d had seven, ten or even (what was then freakish) a 20 day streak. I never thought in a million years it would turn into this. Very few people, that I talk to, still enjoy sex in the marriage bed. I’d always wanted to be one of those that actually did, so here I am married to the same wonderful woman for more than eleven years and I still prioritize my pursuit of her and Lord willing she also to me. Intimacy; emotional and physical both play a huge role in that pursuit and the chase that began when we first met for a blind date almost 13 years ago.
When did you start?
C- Officially November 27, 2013
N- Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me….. It was luck that it happened to start with, what does the secular song call it? (birthday sex). We’d decided to pursue a streak longer than our previous 20 day personal best. When that was decided we went a while, got past the thirty day mark, then Christina and I both saw an article about a couple that did it for a year. We both seemed to think it in the back of our minds without saying it out loud. Neither wanting to put too much expectation on the other or pressures until one day it came up. I believe it was sometime after the 45 day mark that a discussion started on how far we could really take this. We jumped in from that moment with both feet and I mentioned it to my best friend, Nate Patterson, who became a great encourager during those first twelve months and a great listening ear when things were tough.
Are you ever going to stop?
C- No. Well probably. But once something becomes a habit it is hard to stop and seems kinda pointless to stop. We are however, aiming for an undisclosed end date, but I know the day after that day we will be like, “What are we going to do tonight…wanna have sex?” Yep.
N- Absolutely, yes, no doubt about it. One day. In the future. Near or far. Yes.
Should my spouse and I go on a sex streak?
C- Heck ya!…At least for a short time. Make it a game, see how far you can go. And when you fall off the wagon, get back on and ride again. Make getting together every night a priority in your marriage and see what flows from it. It won’t all be roses, but it will definitely be an interesting mirror to your life. Sex every night is super fun and kinda hard at times, but worth every second.
N- If you both enjoy being around each other even a little bit still, then yes! Give marriage a shot in the arm of something different than what all the comedians joke about; different than the boring and mundane and complaining about seeing the same person over and over. Make it three days or two, or seventy-seven. I know it’s not for everyone, never will it be that way, but could it be for you? Never know until you try. You know, if you’re willing to try.
Christina, what do you do during your period?
C- We power though the mood swings, my husband is so kind to me, and I probably don’t deserve him. I use an internal product called Softcup http://softcup.com/
N- I will refrain from answering this one. Clearly it’s not meant for me, but I’m still working all these questions one by one with a mind of my own and so, there you go. Enjoy. Or don’t. Not my concern right now.
Isn’t sex really a private issue, why are you writing about it on the Internet?
C- Sure it is private, the details and such. But where there is joy, share it so others can be encouraged. And where there is pain, share it so others can be encouraging. That which we don’t talk about stays hidden. Married sex is a gift from God that was not meant to be treated like a dirty sin.
N- Yes, the details of sex is a really private issue, absolutely. But I’ve become of the mindset of “if we don’t talk about things and ideas, how will we ever get better?” How will I ever get better at my marriage if I don’t talk about it? How will I get better at my physical or emotional relationship with my loving wife if I do not talk about it? I cannot dig deeper without trying and talking, sharing and learning from and with others. I don’t believe you can either. Bottle it up, stuff it, or don’t talk about it that is up to you. I am clearly not a licensed psychologist but I do know it’s healthier to talk about things than to stuff them. Trust me, I used to be a stuffer, and I’m not perfect…. But I’m better than I used to be and Lord willing tomorrow I’ll be better than yesterday. Writing and talking about it helps.
Nathaniel how does sex every night affect your past addiction to porn? Christina do you worry about how the streak affects Nathaniel’s past porn addiction?
C- I don’t really worry about it because we talk about everything! Issues are openly discussed; wants/needs/likes/dislikes/ sex or other. We talk to each other, we talk to others and we talk to God. Daily!
N- Good question, I’ll field this one since I’m Nathaniel. Christina? What do you think? Oh, no that’s not right this really is my question. Strange as it may seem this streak has calmed and sedated my old desires. I’m more personally fulfilled emotionally and physically having sex with my wife than I ever was trying to connect to internet videos and movies. By being more personally fulfilled I’ve come to realize how superficial my old addiction was. How fleeting those moments were that never lasted and never came back to me in any realistic fashion. What is returned to me now is this joyous relationship I have with Christina that has become, more than just a surface moment in my life, but a deep sustaining connection to someone who looks at me almost as giddy as I do towards her.
Do you ever get bored with sex every night?
C- Sometimes. How could I not, I am human. It is a lot of sex and we only have a limited bag of tricks no matter how big our bag is.
N- Yes, no doubt about it, just like anything it can becoming boring and lose some if not all of its’ spark. This does happen from time to time. Life is just too exhausting, I’m burned out on work or trying to raise the kids or keep up with the bills. We do our best to change it up now that then and make it continue to be a pursuit of the other. Some nights are unfortunately boring or ho hum, but they are greatly outnumbered by the good and great nights. Practice makes perfect right? The more often I do something, naturally, the better I get. At least in this case I’m really banking on that……
How do you keep things fresh night after night?
C- The simple answer is imagination, creativity, and a fairly consistent desire and effort not to make the act become repetitive. In addition, add in mood and behavior changes throughout the day due to work, kids, life and voilà, each night is its own creature.
N- Changing things up. It’s difficult not to think that anything I say here can and will be used against me or someone will say it was too graphic or something. Just know that I don’t like the same thing over and over and over again the exact same way, so we change things up. Enough said.
Do you ever fake an orgasm?
C- Fake? No. Not have? Yes. It happens every so often. We move on though and count our blessings anyway since the night was about coming together not necessarily orgasming together.
N- No. I just get exhausted and super sore stomach muscles from trying so hard. Eventually I just have to give up and start the bed time routine for bed. However, if Christina is more into than I am that often helps me overcome or try harder even if I am unable. No, I’d be a horrible faker in this realm, no need whatsoever to even try.
I (or my spouse) is physically unable to have sex several times a week (or at all), but I/we still want to enjoy an intimate relationship, how do you recommend we go about that?
C- Look at what you can do every day together. It may not even be sexual. Intimacy is a broad concept. Spending purposeful time together putting each other first every day is just as difficult, fulfilling and intimate as sex daily can be. What could your “streak” be? Have fun with it; get creative but do-able and sustainable!
N- Communicate, date, pursue each other in ways that you can. Find out each other’s love languages and seek fervently to serve your lover in one of their top two love languages. Life can be deep and intimate without sex. Take if from us, just because we do it every day doesn’t make our world the Neverland you may imagine it to be.
I (or my spouse) do not really enjoy sex all that much, how can I/we still have an intimate relationship?
C- See previous answer.
Do you two really enjoy sex THAT much?
N- Um, yes please; I’ve already signed up and stayed involved this long so it’s safe to presume that I do enjoy it that much; at least 95% of the nights or more. There are those few times I could actually live without it and just crash and burn to a deep and annoying snore of a sleep, but really I’m super grateful and I enjoyed it before. I enjoy it now. The difference is I actually really appreciate it now more than I ever have before.
I have a hard time focusing my attention on my spouse during sex, how can I focus more on him/her?
C- Baby steps. Start by asking your spouse; “What feels good for you? Or “What can I do for you? And then do it! Simple on paper, but for a lot of people, me included, it is hard to remember and then practice. I am an introvert and spend more time inwardly thinking than outwardly acting. So I pray about it, and talk to my husband and write myself notes. I post them in my closet where I will see them every day.
N- If you’re a guy asking this question one of the things I’d encourage first of all is to stop looking at porn and bikini calendars. Stop filling your mind with women other than your own wife to lust after. Like fuel in the gas tank what I fill my mind with is what enjoys the most airtime between my ears. If I’m still refueling on pictures and videos that are dirty or questionable in nature then I am clearly not spending the majority of my time lusting after the one person I actually made my vows to. So yeah, fill your head with more thoughts and images of your own spouse and after a while you’ll probably feel or notice it pay off. It’ll be gradual after all these years of filling your head with junk, you’ll have a lot of old script to re-write, but it can be done. Don’t give up just because it didn’t change on the first try. Keep at it.
Christina, does your mom really read your blog?
C- Yep! She even comments occasionally.
N- Again, a question directed at Christina and I’ve learned enough not to speak for her so I can stay happily married.
What will you guys tell your kids when they or their friends eventually stumble upon it one day?
C- With all the negativity regarding sex on the Internet from porn sites, cyber bullying, campus rapes and just about every commercial, T.V. show, movie, website advertisement and song portraying unmarried, unhealthy, sleazy sex as good I would be proud of my kids and their friends for reading our blog. It would definitely open up a conversation!
N- “Are you married? No, then ignore it. Move on and come back to it when you get married. Don’t bother me anymore I’m reading my book.” Clearly it will be time for the birds and bees discussion and encouraging them in a healthy direction of really respecting and loving another person. Lord willing I’ll get past the humorous response fast enough to grab the opportunity for emotional intimacy with them at that time. For now I’ll just imagine that the matrix will take over and my kids will never see this, or that covering my ears, closing my eyes and going lalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalala until they walk away will work.
It is hard to find the time and energy for sex, how do you people do it every day?
C- We made a commitment to each other to do this come hell or high water. We wanted to see who we’d become on the other side of all this putting our spouse first business. Working out great so far! Also, just like everything else in life, it has become a habit, but unlike washing dishes or scooping dog poo, this habit doesn’t suck.
N- Honestly, there are some days when I don’t even know! The days that it does happen to feel like a chore are far and few between but they do exist. We try to keep some spontaneity to it; times of the day or such things to change things up as well as eventually get a night off to keep strength and endurance for other nights. If on a streak, I’ll have you know, you can have sex in the early morning on a weekend and then skip that night and save energy for the next night and have 36 or more hours in between even though it’s consecutive days. Some habits are considered bad, sleeping around, doing drugs and alcohol excessively, watching porn. Some habits are good, eating healthy, exercising and married sex. This habit I’ll prioritize or reserve energy for. The others, eh! This particular habit does not stink as does cleaning out the litter box.
What about when one of you gets sick?
C- Aside from the one time Nathaniel had a fever and I made him have sex anyway, we simply, Praise God!, do not get sick. We eat well, drink lots of water, exercise, play with our kids, pray often, talk out our problems and keep our promises.
N- Not allowed. You think I’m joking, I’m not. It’s no secret I try not to take medications; I avoid them like the plague. The one time I got a fever and flu like symptoms my loving wife made me, yes, made me, take Tylenol to get the fever down so we could keep the streak alive. Lord willing we do not get more sick than two Tylenol pills could help and we can keep going. You have to admit that’s funny though. “I’m sick.” “Doesn’t matter, we’re having sex.” I love my wife!
No business trips? Separate vacations?
C- Nope. We are homebodies and like being together.
N- Not usually, I work at a desk and I am home every night and super thankful too. I love being home to help with the daily routines with life and children. I love spending time with my family, so to answer this one, no. The majority of our life is spent together screwing up our own kids on our own time rather than sending them out of the house and blaming others. Same for our marriage. Can’t blame her for all our problems if I am one of the problems by being around a majority of the time. I actually have to work on myself in order to be loveable. At times. Not all the time.
My spouse and I have sex with no issues, but how do we start talking about sex? That seems far too intimate for me.
C- It is you are so right. Lights off and door closed, time for sex…there is a certain level of anonymity in that for me; but lights on, face to face on the couch in discussion about past or future romps used to make me feel totally naked and on stage. I was a Nervous Nelly for years, even speaking in code words with each other because I did not want to even talk about sex or anything related. But now I have a greater level of freedom and can be more open and honest. Baby steps, one tiny, itsy-bitsy step at a time over several years. I hope it goes faster for you than it did me.
N- Start slow and work your way up. Like anything that initially looks like a mountain. Once you start chipping away at it one rock at a time, eventually it’s not so big anymore and it can be overcome. Start small, take away code words, we used to have a ton of them and still use them around kids and friends or family at times. But one on one we say it straight anymore. This took a lot of time though. It did not happen overnight so practice and try and work hard not to be defensive when the other person speaks so you can be receptive and they can be receptive back.
This was a blast! Thanks for the questions…SEND MORE.
Love, The Rhoads’