“Desire is wrapped up with arousal and often emerges as partners have sex rather than before they start. That’s why some experts encourage people in committed relationships to wade into sex, even if they are not yet in the mood. You can’t just wait to be struck by lightning. The stimulus will have to be your partner…if you are not already raring to go, how will you know you really want to?”
Psychology Today (March/April 2016)
If you’re not already raring to go, how do you know you even want to?
You try! You step forward…you wade in. Wade in to sex like you would wade into a cold pool in the middle of spring, one step at a time until you are immersed.
Wading into sex still occurs for us too, even after 916 nights, maybe especially after 916 nights! Not every night starts with passion, in fact, contrary to popular belief we are not all over each other 24/7. Many nights during our little intimacy experiment have started like this;
Nathaniel and I read to the kids, okay, mostly Nathaniel as I have been nodding off during story time lately. I am pretty sure I can recite Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Calvin and Hobbes and Garfield verbatim. After stories and prayers, the kids are off to their beds and we are back to the couch slumped down watching a marathon of Gotham, So You Think You Can Dance or a Warriors game. Eventually the clock rolls over and 9:30 p.m. is staring us in the face. We yawn, and one of us says, “We should do this before I fall asleep on the couch.” Super sexy, right? Yah, no. Nothing screams “Let’s Do It!” like sliding into a half-vegetated state watching T.V.
The comment, “Let’s do it before I fall asleep”, is akin to slipping one foot into the shallow end of a cold pool on a spring evening, testing the water.
Yep, it’s cold just as suspected but we are still willing to get wet. So we step one more foot in and get up from the couch to walk down the hall. As tempting as it would be at this point to lock up the house, check on the boys, lay out clothes for the morning or prep the coffee maker, we do none of that because with what little focus we may have we know we need to keep on it until we reach the bed.
We’ve made it to the shallow end, arms crossed around our own chest trying to keep warm as we tiptoe around the pool. Now in, but we haven’t adjusted to the water temperature yet. So we bounce around convincing ourselves we will get warm. At some point the distraction attempts must stop and we must dive in head first, purposefully immersing ourselves into the deep end.
And then what happens…as anyone who has bravely jumped into a cold pool and kept moving, you quickly realize it is warmer under the water than out of the water, so you swim instead of get out. And all your friends are still standing on the deck, shivering at the thought of swimming in that cold water. They shake their heads not understanding how your body acclimated and why you are now smiling with pleasure.
This is sex on a non-sexy night. It is the thought that the night is too boring or mundane or sleepy to engage with each other. But, until one person wades it no one will ever actually get to swim.
Sex is the icing to the night and the “ahhhhh” of the swim in a cold pool. You get used to it one step at a time. Getting in is not always a scene from a movie, most nights aren’t. But once you are in you’ll forget how long it took you to wade into that cold water.