I (Nathaniel) was asked recently about my reasons for willingness to write this blog. I’d like to opine some reasons for you as well as for myself to see what comes of it.
It is no secret that I hid a porn habit from those around me for a long time. I am now using the honesty and transparency I’ve learned the last three and a half years to process emotions and avoid old husband style resentments about sex and life that used to hold me back. Also, I used to stuff my emotions inside and that built anxiety and tension because this used to distance me from my lovely wife.
These are not necessarily in any priority order, but the first reason is to help or encourage others and build them up through my experiences both negative and positive.
Ephesians 4:29 I must not let unwholesome talk come out of my mouth, but only what is beneficial for building up those in need, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Christina and I are honest enough to not only share the blessings in our lives but also the pains and frustrations we have experienced. To share what I’ve learned about myself and my wife as well that it may be useful for building her up as well as those who get to know me is important to me. I am willing to talk about this stuff with friends, family, strangers (weird I know, but stay with me) and guys I help who may seek me out for various reasons of support and accountability. Personal issues and ideas come up all the time in conversations and at times with total strangers and I am willing to give credit where it is due as it’s not all me who got me to this stage, I feel it’s God and those I’m surrounded with.
I’d heard “you should write that down” or “what was that again? And “I’d like to write that down” from guys and sometimes their wives after I’ve shared some of the ways my wife and I have worked together within the boundaries of our marriage. What could be more helpful to others than to share what has worked for me and us or also what hasn’t and give others freedom to find what may or may not speak to them individually? This is all to see what might encourage others in the behind the scenes of their marriages.
Most negative things in daily or weekly marriage moments get posted on the net or bragged about and thus they do not even get discussed and worked through and I’d like to be part of the solution to the old style of avoiding difficult topics.
Reason two that I desire to write this blog is to get closer to my wife. I desire to let go of my old ways of stuffing feelings and allowing them to turn into resentments. Is she going to meet my every desire perfectly in this life? Most likely no, but I can still process through the emotions attached to my desires and avoid stuffing them down until I am emotionally reactive to those around me. I desire to know my wife as well as to have my wife know me on a much deeper level mentally as well as emotionally. In my opinion this helps her to know better how I work internally and will make her more understanding of my mental differences from hers. And in the same way I also become more aware of the differences in her thoughts and emotions. We were not made the same so we do not think or feel the same internally as the other. This helps us to be more empathetic and less negatively reactive to each other. I like to think talking about something, creating dialogue, that many are uncomfortable discussing will make our marriage healthier, stronger and more resilient to challenges. So here we are talking about married sex, feelings and past resentments. Husbands at this point it is ok to threaten to take away my man card, but it won’t make you a better husband to do so. I am happy to discuss, laugh and even self-deprecate in order to enjoy life as I try to dig deeper inside for the health of my marriage.
Last reason is our oversexed culture that I feel glorifies self-centered sex as well as un-married sex. I do not feel there are enough people glorifying married sex and the joy some of us can and do find in this avenue. Why can’t I glorify married sex without receiving criticism? Is it because others don’t want to talk about it, are jealous of what we have that they may not or simply don’t like us? I am ok with any of those because it means it’s not internally my issue but their own. I attempt never to be overly graphic on here out of respect for men I know who struggle with lust the same way I have. So long as people around me are being built up and edified by this blog in a positive way I will prayerfully write it. Lord willing if anyone comes to me with a concern or many concerns I’ll be able and willing to defend against with tact, love and respect.
2 Corinthians 5:11-12 11 So I try to persuade people, since I know what it means to fear the Lord. I am well known by God, and I hope that in your heart I am well known by you as well. 12 I’m not trying to commend myself to you again. Instead, I am giving you an opportunity to be proud of us so that you could answer those who take pride in superficial appearance, and not in what is in the heart.
I want to be open and receptive to ideas in marriage with my wife and I desire to have her feel the same towards me. This means to me being open, receptive, forgiving, and intentional towards emotional depth.
If I am not willing to deny my selfish behaviors and resentments and learn to serve my wife as she needs emotionally I am not doing my part to love her as Christ loved the church.
Ephesians 5:25 As for husbands, love your wives just like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we pursued each other before marriage. It seems every 5-10 years we have to adjust what that pursuit looks like or we become distant from each other. For now this is our story of pursuing each other and we are willing to share it to build up and encourage others. I am sure we’ll be willing to share the next phase too no matter what that looks like.