Mommy Wife

 

“I have to treat my husband like he is one of my kids.”

I (Christina) actually heard this come from the mouth of a well-dressed and probably well intentioned adult recently. While I know nothing about the woman, only having just met her, the statement struck me. It was a profound statement in my opinion, not one that would just fly out of my mouth. Not that I am passing judgement on her and her marriage but it just got me thinking about what her marriage must be like and how many other wives feel like they, too, must manage yet another child instead of treating their husband like they are in a mutual partnership.

I am going to venture a guess and say many married couples feel like they are just managing their spouse. And it goes both ways, Mommy Wives mothering husbands and co-dependent Disneyland Dads fathering wives. It all makes me wonder what dating looked like for these couples who parent each other. What were the first months or years, the time without kids, like together? Were the men and women treated as equals?  Or was one spouse sitting on a quieted underlying desire to baby or control the other spouse?

So…many…questions… head…might…explode…

How were these adults training their future spouse to behave toward each other once wedding rings and children came into the picture? Why does it seem like someone always wants to change the other person? Can we not love who we love without viewing them as a “project” or something to create/change/or fix? How many times, while dating, does the statement, “I’ll fix him” pop into the mind of a well-intentioned female only to inevitably come to the realization that we can’t change anyone but ourselves?

“I have to treat my husband like he is one of my kids.”

Not only does this statement show no regard for respect of the husband, but it is not the sexiest of thoughts to run through a wife’s mind. At the end of the day when the kids are asleep and it is just me and Nathaniel, I can’t even imagine being turned on by him if I thought I had to control and manage him all day, treating him like one of our sons. Think about  what this comment implies…

Our two young sons are almost 9 and just turned 6. They still need help with a multitude of things ranging from pouring the heavy milk, getting snacks from the cupboard and an interesting array of hygiene needs I swear must be specific only to boys! On any given day one or both of our sons must be told or argued with to take a bath, get out of the bath, convinced to go number two at least twice a week,  and cajoled to eat…ANYTHING besides candy. I am their caretaker and referee, tooshie wiper and teeth brusher. They are not always self-cleaning, nor are they independent, fully capable humans, yet.

After a long day of homeschool and parental demands I want to fall into the arms of my strong, masculine, sweet, helpful, wise and handsome husband, not a third child.

When I dated Nathaniel he was a grown adult and he still is after 11 years of marriage. He is full of more wisdom today than he was when I met him. He behaves like an adult with a fun child-like side which we, my sons and I, all love. But this child-like side of him does not make him a child. He has a well-paying job with respect to boot from his boss and co-workers. He is a leader in our home and church. He is a stand up man with many of life’s heavy burdens on his shoulders. And I bet your husband is too.

So why don’t some women give credit where credit is due? Why are we treating our husbands like idiots?

Because it always seems far easier to control and change someone else than ourselves!

Changing my own viewpoint and patterns requires me to work on my part. Controlling my co-dependency and anger requires me to put in immense time and effort to work on my own junk. “But if I were just to lay down the law and give everyone else parameters for how they are to behave I know my life would be so much easier.” RIGHT? Don’t we sometimes feel like this ladies? We think, “It would be so much easier for me if everyone would just fall in line with my wishes and demands, then no one would have to be treated like a baby because everyone would be doing the “right” thing!” That is a great fantasy even I ponder from time to time. But who really wants to live like that, as the family dictator, controller, “Mommy”? Not me!

Thinking about this week’s post brought me to this verse;

Ephesians 5:33

…you must love your wife as you love yourself, and your wife must respect her husband.

 

                Husbands LOVE your wives in ways she feels. Wives RESPECT your husband in ways he feels.

Don’t know what makes your wife feel loved? ASK HER.

Don’t know what makes your husband feel respected? ASK HIM.

Engage in a conversation with each other, on level playing ground.

Go into the conversation KNOWING you will both start as adults and you will still be adults at the end.

Go on, I dare you.

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