Intimacy Every Day is Hard Work
It is hard to have sex every day.
I (Nathaniel) have come to the realization that I had to change myself from the inside out to accomplish something that, at first, seemed so easy.
When we started our streak it seemed like a fun thing to do, a strange thing that not everyone else does and since I don’t like being like everyone else it seemed perfectly tailored for me. To me it sounded easy to have sex every day. I like to have sex with my wife and I am really, really attracted to her, both emotionally and physically, so what could possibly curtail me from being successful at this daily challenge? What could go wrong with sex every day?
For me, I found, being angry with or feeling hurt by my wife created not only a distance between us but a deep desire, some days, not to be touched or want to touch. The emotional pain can supersede my desire to want to be physically intimate. When work becomes stressful or the kids try to divide us I notice that my love language, touch, only helps to an extent. It is not the only piece of the puzzle I need to feel content and loved by my wife.
Not every touch I receive or give is meant to be sexual, that is a misunderstanding on the part of my wife towards me that I attribute to our over sexualized culture and a negative stereo type directed at me and other men by women. It’s unfortunately true of some men yes, but not all and certainly not me.
I want to be connected to my wife. I want to feel cared for and prioritized by my wife. I want to be a teammate with my wife in regards to parenting our kids and the day to day battles with emotions, bills, feeling worn out and anything else that comes up.
But, occasionally I feel a negative emotion related to my co-dependency. I want to make my wife happy and keep her happy because I love my wife. Truth be told it’s a great goal but it can’t be accomplished all the time for a variety of factors, some hers and some mine. Just the other night she really wanted me to do something for her and with her, but I had other priorities I wanted to have accomplished and didn’t want to adjust the schedule for that night and as a healthy boundary I asked if we could put it off to start that the next week. I felt bad not giving her what she wanted, but once I verbalized what was going on inside, “Honey, I feel really bad that I didn’t give you what you wanted for tonight and you seemed so excited.” She was kind enough to let me know, “Really, I was worn out and it wasn’t a big deal and I’m not at all bothered by it.” That put me at ease. Let’s be honest I was not previously this good at talking things out and still mess it up from time to time because I used to prefer to hold things in and not learn how to talk about them or attempt healthy boundaries in any form. In the past I would have said what I said with a really negative or condescending tone to it and she would have been defensive and then I would have blamed her even though I would have started it with my initial offensiveness.
Sex every day has actually been useful in training me to be more proactive in revealing my feelings and ensuring all the things that cause underlying negative emotions are not allowed to fester and bring any division between the connection my wife and I attempt to have. I’ve needed to learn this because if I didn’t, we wouldn’t get to participate in our daily challenge.
Sex is not the start of intimacy. Sex is the culmination of all the day to day internal hard work for emotional intimacy we put forth every day in prioritizing our personal issues, not blaming the other person and trying to prioritize our relationship.