I (Nathaniel) have been thinking and praying about the topic of jealousy from my point of view and what it means, or has meant, to me.
I give credit to the way movies trained me. I mean, seriously, I cannot hide the fact that movies, both mainstream and dirty, paved the way for how I viewed myself and relationships because I was really into movies growing up. In the movies there is no regard for morality to a degree, I know it’s not this way in all movies but just roll with me. In the movies, especially the dirty kind, an attractive woman sees an attractive man and sleeps with him. I have never viewed myself as an attractive man, you will not find me on the cover of GQ in my lifetime or in a write up in a women’s magazine about great and sexy men, you just won’t. And if you won’t, I don’t see myself there either and so my insecurity pits me against the view in my mind that someone better will come along and my woman will wind up with him. Is this true? Probably not ever, but I have spent a good portion of my life feeling this way deep inside and having to learn to try and overcome it.
The second factor is that I’m not a natural, I’m not physically gifted with looks (as mentioned above) nor in physical attributes. I was more of a geek growing up than a jock, but I was pretty good at all the sports I played. Natural, no, good, yes. It took work for me to be good at sports, I am coordinated but I had to learn to outsmart opponents that were bigger, faster and stronger. I could not do this in the woman department because women are normally attracted initially to outspoken and physically gifted men so I fall into the second and third tier by normal every day standards. With this factor known outwardly to me how am I not to fear that someone will come along with better looks, more money, nicer clothes, cars etc. and steal my lovely lady?
Third factor is sex before marriage. If I had sex before marriage, or my partner did, why wouldn’t we during marriage? If sex wasn’t sacred before marriage, why would it hold any significance at all after marriage for either of us? I had sex before marriage and thus didn’t hold it sacred. Couple that with movies I’d watched growing up and my insecurity; would I not just be willing to jump around with any woman who was willing to give me attention? Of course not, but deep down I am positive this dug into my insecurity.
If we have a really bad day or week or Lord help us month and cannot get along or see eye to eye and just keep taking things wrong and having hurt feelings why wouldn’t my lovely wife seek comfort in the arms of another man? A natural so to speak. Especially if I am causing her consistent pain by not being the empathetic and loving man she needs.
So it appears, at least for me, that most if not all my jealousy stems from projecting my insecurities and personal issues onto my partner. She wasn’t going anywhere, she told me so. Did that stop me from worrying? Did I fear she only said that to convince herself? With my insecurity and being bypassed by all the hotties I sought growing up I could certainly take it from this negative view point.
Looking at it now I know the truth. I am thankful for those unanswered prayers (thank you Garth Brooks) because they got me where I am. I’ve gotten some opportunities to see some of the women I sought growing up, I mean seeing them in recent years and how they are now. I am blessed. Not that they are ugly so don’t go all mean girl on me. I’ve seen them and they are still pretty, but I’m not sure they are as pretty as I remember in my head. What I know now is none of them have aged as gracefully as the woman I’m married to. She not only gets more attractive with age and it looks freaking great on her, but her personality make her more attractive to me every year as well. Our growth and our intimacy, through more than just sex, but through finding the other’s love language and speaking it has done wonders for how beautiful and attractive she really is. I’ve got the best gal out of all of them and it only took the last 11 years out of my 38 total to figure it out.