I (Nathaniel) am wondering why we misunderstand sex. I used to misunderstand it, my wife used to misunderstand it. I am sure this doesn’t change much from us to other married couples. I am sure there are exceptions, but for the sake of this article let’s see if what hits me hits you too.
Men usually understand and appreciate it as a tool to get and feel close to their wives. This appears to be a positive, but in fact is the exact opposite. I know I had that thought once upon a time but wisdom has a way of unlocking what I didn’t know was there. I’m not saying I am wise by any stretch of the imagination but now that you who know me are done laughing reel it back in. I know it made me feel close to my wife, I know I craved feeling close to her, and I know looking back now it never worked the way I wanted. Sex cannot be, for us, a tool to enforce us being close and feeling close because it’s so temporary and fleeting. It’ll make us feel close for a time and fulfilled for a very brief period, but if the rest of the day, night or week we don’t have emotional connections and pursuit of each other that brief encounter of sex was wasted because it solved none of our main issues and didn’t keep us continually connected except for the short time we did it. If you are that guy that wants more than just a warm body how can you attempt to show your wife you want more and how can you change your view-point on sex?
Wives usually understand sex as a negative as well. Many don’t want to be approached, some do because they want to be close to their husbands too. Many feel they are just being used by their husbands as a toy or object and there isn’t any meaning behind it from their husband’s side and in some instances this is true, but in some instances it’s not. How does one differentiate? I don’t know it’s for each to discover within themselves. You’ve all dated that guy that just wants it and nothing more so you know who he is and what he’s like, but if you have the husband that is the good one that does some of the hard work in life to be better can you change your view-point and see him as wanting to be close to you?
There are exceptions to every rule of course on either side of the aisle so please do not feel pigeon holed by the statements above this is just my view as I’ve come to understand it and realize it within our relationship.
Is sex the answer to feeling close to each other? No.
I can tell you first hand it’s not the answer. I still sought out a negative addiction even when my wife and I were still busy together 3 to 5 times a week. It wasn’t like I was in a drought when I was watching bad videos and being overly selfish. Too many guys think that doing it consistently will be the answer and all their problems will go away. Unfortunately it’s a total misunderstanding and I know from experience. There is far more fulfillment in being emotionally connected to my wife each week and really deeply caring for and serving her in her love languages and seeing how love is reflected in our connection than the brief misunderstanding that sex is the answer to cure my emotional ills and disconnect.
If I am disconnected before sex, I’m going to be disconnected after sex. There is a saying in my recovery “where ever you go there you are” I can go in the bed room, the living room and the back yard but if I am emotionally disconnected from my wife I will still be disconnected after sex because I’m not trying. I’m using sex as a Band-aid to cover up a much larger wound and I had to long ago stop the bleeding and stop trying to cover the wounds I caused by pretending they were not there and pretending sex would make the connection authentic between us.
Is sex the healthy use of a great relationship? Yes.
We could not be on a streak if we were not staying emotionally connected. My wife wouldn’t want me that close to her if I’m a big jerkface and I wouldn’t want to touch her if I’m all resentful and bitter at her or myself.
Whether sex happens more often or not, I am more fulfilled because I have a consistent healthy connection and pursuit of the woman I love even after she said I do and we had kids.
Sex is not the start of our unity, sex is the completion of our being united before it began.