Ain’t No Party
Like a Pity Party
I, Christina, was confined by my workout. I wanted a gym membership. When we couldn’t afford one my frustration grew into an excuse not to exercise to the best of my ability. It became an “Oh well” attitude, an “I can’t go to the gym, well I guess I will just be fat forever” state of mind. It was a mentality that rested in failure due to lack of trying other avenues. The “Oh well” attitude gave way to Poor Me Syndrome. Focusing on how much of a bummer it was to be unable to afford a gym membership kept me in victim mode.
Until 2014 when I took the bull by the horns and with God as my guide we lifted me out of my pity party. The previous year I had begun straightening out my eating which I continue to be mindful of today. That starter step of learning more about my body lead to taking control of my workout with what I had on hand at the house instead of focusing on what I was lacking.
I semi-converted the garage into a dance studio and started teaching dance classes. I hung Christmas lights, cheap mirrors and black sheets to act as background walls. I eventually bought a weight bag and started boxing. In addition to teaching dance classes and boxing I added jogging, weight lifting and plyometric training. None of the above came easily. In fact all of it took baby steps. One step to follow God, one step toward self-confidence and then a couple steps back when I would get anxious or too sore or bored or fill in the blank for the next excuse to fail. But instead of staying in the regression that is so humanly natural I chose to keep stepping forward, even in the hard times.
My pity party expressed itself not only in exercise but in many aspects of my life. Any time I could feel bad and whine or fall into depression about the negative instead of choosing to rejoice in the positive my pity party was alive and kicking. My point of view can get all out of whack. I know I am leading a blessed life, I know God leads me and I am thankful, but do I always believe it? Not really. The unbelief can keep me bobbing at the surface of life’s difficulties instead of believing God will provide His SCUBA equipment if I would just choose to put it on and dive deeply.
My intimate relationship with my husband falls directly into the center of my pity party sometimes. Intimacy used to swirl around like a black hole sucking energy from everything in my life. I was unwilling to see how intimacy touched and rooted itself to every other thing in my relationship. Intimacy affects my; body image, child rearing skills, desire to exercise and eat well, date night, need to clean the house and yards, paying bills, reading a book, watching T.V. and of course sex.
Sex being the ultimate culmination to an intimate relationship stays an unconnected, superficial act without intimacy everywhere else first.
To culminate the act of intimacy in regards to sex, intimacy must occur outside the bedroom on a consistent and daily basis and must be without expectation. As a wise friend once said, “expectations are premediated resentments.”
Intimacy, confidence and connection to my spouse plug in together like a math equation. When we have mutual intimacy outside the bedroom then I tend toward having more self-confidence and more connection with my husband. When I feel more self-confident and connected then I become more relaxed and less self-conscience in the bedroom. Then the pity party dissipates because I am feeling loved and connected. It is all woven together. Without one thread the quilt falls apart.