A Man’s Mind: SEX Edition
I (Nathaniel) see foreplay as intimacy. She sees it as superficial. Why isn’t there a balance? Is there a balance? Will there ever be a balance?
Christina sought superficial attention or gave superficial attention from/to guys before marriage in hopes she would find depth and connection. Does she not seek superficial intimacy with me because I give her all the necessary attention she requires and desired for so many years?
Is my attention to her (house help, child rearing, emotional connection) actually undermining her need to seek my attention physically? In other words, by being as much if not more than she needs, trying to fulfill her and us, am I undermining my own desires?
How can she pine for me, throw herself at me, and long to show me physically that she wants me if she is lacking almost nothing emotionally?
Most young women give guys the kind of attention guys want in order to catch them and it’s mostly for negative reasons (self-esteem, abuse, etc.). So if life is positive and fulfilling and there are not the negative self-esteem issues to overcome by catching what is already caught, is she less willing to throw herself at my every whim and desire? I know it sounds bad, but I’m really thinking out loud here for conversation purposes.
Is it only a control issue? I have issues with taking control because it gets undermined and she doesn’t just play along and feel the situation out. (I tend to doubt myself from never being natural at sports or the guy that girls sought out.) She lets distractions get in the way. Because it’s her need to control. Is this solely a control issue or a previous abuse memory getting in the way?
Am I perfect in meeting all her needs? No, of course not perfect, however I am better than her previous men or she would not have chosen to marry me.
She likes quickies and I like the marathon. I like the more intimate challenges that come to fruition only in the hottest moments. On that note, am I not meeting her needs for quickies often enough for her to feel fulfilled?
I feel it’s a yes, but is my perception reality? Does she keep feeling the pressure of what I am saying and asking for because her needs are not being met,or am I asking too much?
In some ways yes and some no, but some stuff cannot be shared here of our pasts for fear of embarrassment or finger pointing and blame game and that is not what I am writing this for.
We recently heard the phrase, “Do not let loss be the thing that drives you to change.” Recently after a big fight I went into the pit of male depression that I couldn’t work out of, Christina felt like she’d either lost herself or lost me. Either way she decided it was time to say to me, “I’ll get out of the way and you can do whatever you want with me.” Keep in mind this was more about the streak than intimacy at this point.
I feel like this is almost the kind of mentality I am seeking from her, but not for dominance as it was coming down to in that moment. Not for me to feel macho and have my way, but to feel intimate and wanted and desired together, to feel passionate together, to feel like I am the guy that fulfills all she is and needs and desires, all aspects. That guy she’ll throw herself at. Fully! Emotionally, mentally and physically. The one night stand and the loving husband all in one! Not for the negative attention seeking reasons like when she was younger, but for positive reasons like who I am and who we are together.
When she says, “You can do whatever you want with me.” I feel she is being facetious, but is she? Is this on both our brains at the same time for a reason even if it’s coming out tactless? Why does she have to lose me mentally to depression on my end just to be willing to say such a phrase? Past note here that is on my mind at times like this, I’ve had a cancerous mole removed from my arm and I have a secondary fear that I could be lost to her and our boys. To be honest it scares the crap out of me if I ever even think of it and see the scar on my arm. The, “Don’t let loss drive you to change” phrase would haunt her and would haunt me. I don’t say this as a fear tactic, but as a wakeup call even for me to try and serve her better and love her better. I do not say this to bring it about, nor do I say this just to be selfish and get what I desire. I really have an underlying fear and anxiety about it and even apply it to my entire family at times.
Are there things I am not doing to fulfill all her fantasies or dreams within the marriage? I feel like I go out of my way to go overboard as often as possible and meet all her needs and dreams that I can attain.
What do I do if the one person I desire to share all my normalcy, fantasy and joy with does not seem to always want it?
Wait, always is obviously the wrong word and an over exaggeration on my part. But am I the too-good-a -guy? Most women historically throw themselves at the wrong type of man, the macho selfish type which, trust me, I am not.
I know she tries to tell me differently at times, that I get more of her than anyone ever. Do I believe her? Yes. But I do struggle at times. I struggle because of the negativity in her eyes and the exhaustion at my occasional assertiveness. Whether my action was just mis-timed or not, her negative reactions to me speak volumes to undercutting what she tries to say in words.
As a former addict, is it all my training from watching bad videos that caused this? I argue no, not completely anyway. Previous fiancée, boyfriends, etc., all wanted the same things from her or other women, they just didn’t verbalize it as well as I sometimes do and so honestly. They just tried for it and she gave in to them for various negative reasons. If they’d said what they wanted would she have done it or treated them negatively? The guys before me wanted some of the same things I want. Not because of bad video training, but because men find it feels good, feels intimate or was talked up by other guys in their lives. So they knew they wanted something that every other guy was saying was so good.
Why do we stop pursuing each other so naturally after marriage? After the catch? It is different for everyone, so what does pursuit within marriage look like for you?