The daily occurrence of sex has not, somewhat to my surprise, lead to either monotony or boredom. In fact more often than not my senses are still overly heightened and my skin is electrified. In some aspects I still feel like a virgin. But I’d rather not.
Throughout the eleven years we have been together sex has always been good. He is playful, I am ticklish, sometimes that combination works out as a benefit, and sometimes it just does not. We never knew why in the past. Why at times the ticklish feelings worked toward enhancing the intimacy and why at times it would make all the evening closeness come to an abrupt stop. We however, chose to blindly march down this unknown, unanswered path for the first nine years of our relationship. I was accepting yet annoyed that I could not get past being overly ticklish and Nathaniel quietly grew frustrated.
My sensitivity to his touch is like electricity. Often my body jolts at a touch of his hand. The gentleness of his kiss on my skin sends shoots of static through my entire body making me jump and recoil. The pressed-close-longer-than-a-peck kisses cause me to hold my breath, and feel as though I am suffocating. Starting two years ago I began to find my voice and speak up for myself, for how things feel physically. But I was speaking in Band-Aids and I did not know it until 2014. I spouted how I preferred quickies rather than marathons. I decided I did not like foreplay that I’d rather get in and get done, but there was still a discrepancy with my feelings that I was unable to address prior to 2014. While my physical feelings were causing me to pull back from sex, my emotions began to match those feelings making me believe I did not like the touching, kissing and foreplay. But, the deeper reality was I did like them. I was stuck in my own way and had no idea why.
My mantra for my marriage all the years leading up to 2014 was, “I should be over this by now”. Over the extreme sensitivity. Over the feeling of not being able to breathe during a kiss. Over the ticklish feelings an inexperienced girl would feel. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t over any of it, and I wasn’t very good at suppressing any of it either. I was, however, good at letting it take charge of my sex life. I was good at allowing it to be the excuse to keep our intimacy at a certain level. I was good at controlling our sexual moments. And I was good at pushing my husband away.
So what is my new mantra? “Give it to God”. It takes a lot of work on my part, but I am not hauling it on my own. My husband is on my side and God is in the lead.
The bottom line, the take away, the peace to the puzzle…
If my husband wants to feel closer to me, why wouldn’t I want to feel closer to him?