LIPSTICK

“If you’re gonna love somebody.  Yeah, you better love somebody, who ruins your lipstick…. Not your mascara!”

 

Nathaniel says.

I heard this line in a song and it got me wondering.  I often wonder out loud so I will do so now.  When this happens, most often, my lovely wife is the one that puts up with the initial thought process.  She is often stuck with the responsibility of helping me organize it so that other humans can relate to what my brain wants to say.  As she lovingly reminds me, “no one can read your mind Nathaniel.”

 

It is obvious to most this line at the top, from a song, refers to someone we find ourselves attracted to.  But, I do not believe that is where it ends.  I am not going to go into the lust speech that many Christians go into because that has been played out and encourages the unfortunate behavior of tuning out the speaker.  I am going, to attempt, to put this thought into my perspective.  Some will relate and some will not.  It’s not a perfect science and we are all made differently.  But, I’d like you to join me and be encouraged to talk through your own realizations with your spouse so you can find a balance.

 

I am wondering, rather hypothetically since it’s in the past, how many times I’ve tried to come on to my wife and she could have said yes, but didn’t out of habit or reaction to our stage of life. Whether it be; comfort, distraction, exhaustion, or any other number of reasons wives turn down husbands more often after the two have been together beyond the, supposed, honeymoon stage.

 

I also wonder how many times she could have said no because of the mood or timing etc.  However, perhaps she didn’t out of co-dependence or worry it had been too long or I even began to pressure her with guilt trips because I wanted to connect.

 

There is a balance somewhere in there.  I am wondering if honeymoon phase means say yes all the time so as not to push the other away, or simply adrenaline from the relationship being so new.  Most women feel the sex connection is important and that it brings connection early and often in the beginning.  Yes there is the degree of the man pursuing his wife’s heart by doing little things for her, but that would be another post.  I’m currently questioning the ‘ruins your lipstick and not your mascara’ line.  The physical line that starts out with such optimism but dissipates for various reasons, and I know there are reasons that are beyond our control but I don’t feel I can cover everything here so I will focus on those who still try to enjoy sex together after marriage but are unable or unwilling.

 

Post honeymoon phase, does this mean say no all of the time because the wife is comfortable and paid her dues already so she shouldn’t have to think like me anymore to catch me?  The pursuit ends because I’m caught or because kids come along?

 

And on that line, I am wondering how many women, accidentally create a more passive husband and help him lose his adrenaline faster over the years because it just makes sense for me(him, husband) to stop trying to pursue her when I’m turned down so consistently.

Especially when I’m turned down for something that was used to pursue me, initially.  Confusion and passiveness then abound in my brain.

Hence the passiveness builds and I become passive aggressive because I can’t get what I’m desiring with any frequency and I don’t  know how to verbalize it.

 

I had a realization based off this.  Not to be jaded, but from experience and to learn and grow together.

 

I can’t count the number of times I have come onto my wife when she looked so very good, but it wasn’t on her time frame.

And by the time we could do anything about it, the end of the night had arrived.  I was so tired I no longer had the same amount of adrenaline attached to the attraction.

Part of it is the disenchantment with; the desire to be instantly gratified (whether it be with sex, a big kiss, a bunch of kisses or some playful teasing for later).

And the other part of it is just the night wearing on and wearing a person, me, out and just running out of energy before the night can culminate.

 

That takes me to the lead up to connecting enough for the end of the day to culminate in sex.

 

From Nathaniel’s perspective;

My girlfriend(let’s call her Christina) looks great, she’s all dolled up, we’re both into each other, we’ll get at it with some kissing and affection.  She’ll carry her lipstick with her and reapply it as needed.

 

Fast forward a few years;

My wife looks great, and gets dolled up and attractive for, what I presume is me, and I get excited.  She shuts me down because it’s a lot of work to have to go back and reapply or fix it.

 

What that tells me and other husbands is: it’s ok to mess up the lipstick in the honeymoon phase, but after the honeymoon phase the lust and desire part gets pushed aside and I begin to learn it’s not worth it.  It’s not worth it for me to approach her when she gets dolled up because of various reasons.

 

Maybe it’s for the crowd we’re going out with and not necessarily for me.

Maybe it’s because it really is just too frustrating for her to have to go reapply.

Maybe it’s because she doesn’t get to play dress up as much anymore being a mother and wife.

 

From my perspective as a man, I learn not to approach when my wife is all dolled up because we’ve been together so long she’s now comfortable telling me she doesn’t want to reapply or telling me any of the other reasons.

In the honeymoon phase, she was probably too shy to tell me the reasons and she went along with me and my fresh desires.

 

I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad.  I can relate to the above and the song really brought out the male perspective for me.  Because I can relate to wanting to mess up the lipstick in our relationship from time to time, but knowing the reality of having been together beyond the initial honeymoon phase.  Which is; that I tend to cause arguments more often than spontaneous passion when I try to initiate.

 

No matter the reason, the song is great to remind us to keep the fire and desire for each other. 

Books

Christina says…

I write a lot about intimacy, but I am also a children’s book author. It may seem strange to talk about intimacy and children in the same post…but if intimacy, in its barest definition, is closeness with loved ones, then what could be closer than reading a great book with a child?

I have a few signed copies left that I would love to send out to a lovely reader. But, there are also some for sale on Amazon if you prefer.

The books are $20.00….It may be a bit much for a children’s book, but in the end I only make about $1.00 per book. The purchase of a book is a great way to donate to a certain blog about intimacy that you love😉

I thank you in advance!

Let me know if you would like a signed copy….or check out the Amazon link below.

Please email me about signed copies, shineinschool@yahoo.com

https://www.amazon.com/Monster-War-Christina-Rhoads/dp/148342782X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473437020&sr=8-1&keywords=Monster+War+christina+rhoads

12 Years

Nathaniel Says…

Christina, my love, it is with a humble heart and grace on my mind that I recall all the time spent. Spent being married, I mean. Long over a quarter of my life spent working within the challenge that is a marriage. A marriage just the two of us, and Anthony, moving onward to adding Elijah and eventually Luca. A marriage of challenge some days, weeks and months, and of ease some days weeks and months. We often scare people away with our openness about life, from hurt feelings, to challenging each other to be better for the other and whatever else we seem to be able to emote that makes it so hard to keep friends. Why is it so flipping hard to keep friends when trying to be happily married? (Jesse and Amy, and Nathan excluded…. Why they’ve stuck with us, sometimes, even I do not understand). We prioritize each other after God but before our children in order to stay committed. As your mom so often says, “it’s not how we fight, but how we make up”. She could not have been more right. We put our emotional (sometimes physical) intimacy as a priority in each other’s lives, but with that comes the challenge of everyone outside our home getting the illusion it’s easy for us. It’s not though, we still hurt each other’s feelings and feel differently and have to learn to accept the other’s feelings as real and authentic because we work differently on the inside. We still fight and argue on occasion just like every married couple that ever existed and ever will, but………. We come back together and seek each other’s heart and mind after the distress. Perfect? Never! But do our imperfections stop us from trying harder the next time? No on that note also. Accepting our imperfections does not mean giving up because we’re never going to be perfect, it means trying harder the next round(s). I love you and am thankful for you. Especially thankful for our small village that helps us with our children so we do not lose track of each other over the years. It’s been an amazing 12 years we have accomplished as of today. Happy Anniversary to you my dearest and most precious wife. I love you and may the next 12 go a little slower than the first 12. – Nathaniel

Setting the Foundation —PART FOUR; Social Climate

Christina Says…

Intimacy runs deep in our house. It is multilayered and often thought or spoken about. It can be the source of an argument and the source of an amazing, mind-blowing night. No matter how it is viewed, intimacy plays a large part in the social climate of my household.

Sometimes I have an unhealthy view of the part intimacy plays in our lives when I think it might control me. Other times I have a much more healthy perspective and I realize intimacy is not the tail wagging the dog. And while sex is also a daily part of our social climate, it does not mean that we only have intimate moments for the sole purpose of having sex.

So many people, friends and family members refer to our blog as “the sex blog” with a coy smile and a head tilt. They giggle in embarrassment while others we know never speak about what is written on this blog, still a taboo subject. But, what ends up being missed is the heart of the blog, intimacy—intentional closeness with your spouse. Sex, even, maybe especially, between married couples is such a rocky terrain that the mere conversation about it causes people to run away with their fingers in their ears and their eyes covered. Makes me wonder what their household social climate is like and what they do to feel close and connected with each other. While not a knock on these people, nor do I feel like everyone should read this blog, I am plagued with wondering…

How do others engage in daily intimacy, regardless if intercourse is achieved?

Which really lead me to ask myself…

What would we be like without purposeful daily sex?

Has our streak of 1009 days of sex become an intimacy crutch at times?

How would we deal with life’s comings and goings without the streak?

Am I really willing to give it up?

Without purposeful daily sex our lives would still be full of intimate moments. As many as my husband would like? Probably not, but full nonetheless. On second thought, perhaps there would be more; more touching, kissing and cuddling from a couple desiring closeness with each other.

At times the streak for sure feels like a crutch we depend on to foster an intimate connection we may have been too tired to create spontaneously. We know at the end of the night sex will occur so for those less than touchy-feely days having the streak as the standard helped.

If I had never gone a sex streak with my husband, how would I deal with life’s comings and goings? What would the social climate be? It is honestly hard for me to remember that far back, but my husband would tell you about all the emotional growth we have both gained over the last three years. That growth was, in part, created by the streak. Before I was much more of an emotional loose cannon and Nathaniel was much more in want of physical attention and affection. I am sure we would still be in some version of that without the consistent coming together daily. Constant practice of putting others first makes for a stronger and more mature person.

I am OCD enough to never let go of the streak, but in reality it will eventually fade away like all things. Everything has its time and ours will end with the streak at some point and I will mourn its absence. It has been a good friend.

The streak has taught me so much about who I am sexually, who my husband is sexually and how we need to be with each other to become a stronger, healthier couple. I say it all the time because I know someone will hear it…

Intimacy is more than sex.

Intimacy with a spouse is love, connection and selflessness.

Sex is the culmination of an intimate marriage.