“If you’re gonna love somebody. Yeah, you better love somebody, who ruins your lipstick…. Not your mascara!”
I heard this line in a song and it got me wondering. I often wonder out loud so I will do so now. When this happens, most often, my lovely wife is the one that puts up with the initial thought process. She is often stuck with the responsibility of helping me organize it so that other humans can relate to what my brain wants to say. As she lovingly reminds me, “no one can read your mind Nathaniel.”
It is obvious to most this line at the top, from a song, refers to someone we find ourselves attracted to. But, I do not believe that is where it ends. I am not going to go into the lust speech that many Christians go into because that has been played out and encourages the unfortunate behavior of tuning out the speaker. I am going, to attempt, to put this thought into my perspective. Some will relate and some will not. It’s not a perfect science and we are all made differently. But, I’d like you to join me and be encouraged to talk through your own realizations with your spouse so you can find a balance.
I am wondering, rather hypothetically since it’s in the past, how many times I’ve tried to come on to my wife and she could have said yes, but didn’t out of habit or reaction to our stage of life. Whether it be; comfort, distraction, exhaustion, or any other number of reasons wives turn down husbands more often after the two have been together beyond the, supposed, honeymoon stage.
I also wonder how many times she could have said no because of the mood or timing etc. However, perhaps she didn’t out of co-dependence or worry it had been too long or I even began to pressure her with guilt trips because I wanted to connect.
There is a balance somewhere in there. I am wondering if honeymoon phase means say yes all the time so as not to push the other away, or simply adrenaline from the relationship being so new. Most women feel the sex connection is important and that it brings connection early and often in the beginning. Yes there is the degree of the man pursuing his wife’s heart by doing little things for her, but that would be another post. I’m currently questioning the ‘ruins your lipstick and not your mascara’ line. The physical line that starts out with such optimism but dissipates for various reasons, and I know there are reasons that are beyond our control but I don’t feel I can cover everything here so I will focus on those who still try to enjoy sex together after marriage but are unable or unwilling.
Post honeymoon phase, does this mean say no all of the time because the wife is comfortable and paid her dues already so she shouldn’t have to think like me anymore to catch me? The pursuit ends because I’m caught or because kids come along?
And on that line, I am wondering how many women, accidentally create a more passive husband and help him lose his adrenaline faster over the years because it just makes sense for me(him, husband) to stop trying to pursue her when I’m turned down so consistently.
Especially when I’m turned down for something that was used to pursue me, initially. Confusion and passiveness then abound in my brain.
Hence the passiveness builds and I become passive aggressive because I can’t get what I’m desiring with any frequency and I don’t know how to verbalize it.
I had a realization based off this. Not to be jaded, but from experience and to learn and grow together.
I can’t count the number of times I have come onto my wife when she looked so very good, but it wasn’t on her time frame.
And by the time we could do anything about it, the end of the night had arrived. I was so tired I no longer had the same amount of adrenaline attached to the attraction.
Part of it is the disenchantment with; the desire to be instantly gratified (whether it be with sex, a big kiss, a bunch of kisses or some playful teasing for later).
And the other part of it is just the night wearing on and wearing a person, me, out and just running out of energy before the night can culminate.
That takes me to the lead up to connecting enough for the end of the day to culminate in sex.
From Nathaniel’s perspective;
My girlfriend(let’s call her Christina) looks great, she’s all dolled up, we’re both into each other, we’ll get at it with some kissing and affection. She’ll carry her lipstick with her and reapply it as needed.
Fast forward a few years;
My wife looks great, and gets dolled up and attractive for, what I presume is me, and I get excited. She shuts me down because it’s a lot of work to have to go back and reapply or fix it.
What that tells me and other husbands is: it’s ok to mess up the lipstick in the honeymoon phase, but after the honeymoon phase the lust and desire part gets pushed aside and I begin to learn it’s not worth it. It’s not worth it for me to approach her when she gets dolled up because of various reasons.
Maybe it’s for the crowd we’re going out with and not necessarily for me.
Maybe it’s because it really is just too frustrating for her to have to go reapply.
Maybe it’s because she doesn’t get to play dress up as much anymore being a mother and wife.
From my perspective as a man, I learn not to approach when my wife is all dolled up because we’ve been together so long she’s now comfortable telling me she doesn’t want to reapply or telling me any of the other reasons.
In the honeymoon phase, she was probably too shy to tell me the reasons and she went along with me and my fresh desires.
I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I can relate to the above and the song really brought out the male perspective for me. Because I can relate to wanting to mess up the lipstick in our relationship from time to time, but knowing the reality of having been together beyond the initial honeymoon phase. Which is; that I tend to cause arguments more often than spontaneous passion when I try to initiate.
No matter the reason, the song is great to remind us to keep the fire and desire for each other.